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HUMOR

APRIL, 2000

10 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'VE BECOME A RECORDING ENGINEER

EDITED BY BOB DENNIS

Last issue we published a serious article on how the term "recording engineer" is used in our industry.   This article is humor, not serious (so don't quote it out of context).  We rate it PG so, if you're under 18 please exit or ask your parents if you can continue.   Admittedly it is also sexist.

Top 10 Ways To Know You're A "Recording Engineer"

10.  You ask your doctor if coffee and donuts are a basic food group.
09.  You look for the vending machines when you take your wife to dinner.
08.  You look for the fader and panpot on the coffee maker.
07.  Your grocery list is written on a track log and "twinkies" is entered for "track 1."
06.  You ask your wife to turn up the TV by 6 dB.
05.  When your son transfers from kindergarden to grade school,   you ask the teacher if the transfer will be analog or digital.
04.  You look for the "frequency response" specifications of the refigerator you're considering purchasing.
03.  When your shirts come out of the wash a little dingy, you tell you're wife to call the Maytag man to get an alignment on the washing machine.
02.  When the Maytag man says there's nothing wrong with your washer, you look for a box of "laundry equalization" next to the Tide at the store.
01.  And the number one way you can tell you've become a recording engineer is:  Your daughter learns to say "Mommy", "Grampa", "Grama", "Aunt" and "Uncle" before she learns to say "Daddy."
How you enjoy sex gives a clue where you are in your quest to become a full recording engineer:
Recording Students enjoy "Student Sex", (aka "Smurf Sex"). Instead of cracking the books you have sex with your mate, and you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
Recording Interns enjoy Intern Sex (aka "Kitchen Sex") This is after you finish school and are interning in the field. After the studio, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime,even in the kitchen.
Recording Technicians enjoy Technician Sex (aka "Bedroom Sex") practiced at the beginning of your professional career where you know more about making coffee than mixing. You get in from the studio late so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
Associate Recording Engineers enjoy Second Recording Engineer Sex (aka " Hallway Sex") practiced after you begin to do an ocassional session on your own. This is the phase in which you pass your mate in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
Recording Engineers enjoy Recording Engineer Sex (aka "Courtroom Sex") practiced after you've been doing sessions for at least 5 years and are newly accepted into an Engineering Society as a full member.  In your divorce proceedings your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

No copyright on this jem.

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